They call me the confuser. Is he a man... is he a woman? Ooh, I'm not sure if I mind..

It (LSD) opened my eyes. We only use one-tenth of our brain. Just think of what we could accomplish if we could only tap that hidden part! It would m….

Life does not require us to be consistent, cruel, patient, helpful, angry, rational, thoughtless, loving, rash, open-minded, neurotic, careful, rigid….

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'.

It is not funny that a man should be killed, but it is sometimes funny that he should be killed for so little, and that his death should be the coin ….

The tie's a multi purpose accessory, y'know, belt, school boy, Rambo..

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is..

I never did that badly with women when I wasn't on telly, but it's a bit out of control now. Women try it on with me more than I'm comfortable with. ….

I'm going to name drop like an idiot now, but Bono rang me up once, right? I don't know how he got my number, but I, ever so stupidly, and obviously ….

There's not enough psychedelic stuff on TV. I want the world to be a bit weirder than it is. I hate reality, so I hate reality TV. But I love Columbo..

It makes little difference how many university courses or degrees a person may own. If he cannot use words to move an idea from one point to another,….

You can't just go gay, its not like buying a ladder..

Yeah? Rock 'n' Roll is fast, you know. If all goes according to plan I could be in rehab next thursday. Tuesday week I'll be living on an island with….

That's the authentic punk dance. It's like a child dizzy on lemonade..

My nan used to look after me in the summer holidays and she had a cat with one eye. It used to walk into walls and tables. I used to think it was hil….

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His kids..

My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me..

I'm quite lucky, because I've got a small, decorative concrete pig..

In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him, "Why didn't you walk down?" He said, "because I was going up!".

No parents. You have Uncle Jesse, forever in overalls. Then there's Bo and Duke. What do they do? I never saw them working for food or gas money. You….

I love it when mothers get so mad they can't remember your name. "Come here, Roy, er, Rupert, er, Rutabaga... what is your name, boy? And don't lie t….