The definition of black irony is Pro-lifers killing Doctors who do abortions.

I've never wanted to kill myself over anything major. It's always the little things that do me in..

I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be..

Why did God create men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn..

Humor is everywhere in that there's irony in just about anything a human does..

For toddlers I suggest leaving their mittens on year-round, indoors and out. That way they can't get into aspirin bottles, liquor cabinets, or boxes ….

Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no lies..

Working with Chaplin was very amusing and strange. His films are so funny, but working with him, I found him to be a very serious man. Whereas the fi….

I was at a dinner party with a group of people, and we were talking about fake names. You know, how its difficult to come up with a really great fake….

Fighting is essentially a masculine idea; a woman's weapon is her tongue..

Sometimes what I actually love to do is go to a farm and get fresh milk or watch a pig get slaughtered..

A diet is when you watch what you eat and wish you could eat what you watch..

When a person with money meets a person with experience, the person with the experience winds up with the money and the person with the money winds u….

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' but 'That's funny...'.

It's a funny old world..

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name..

If the Romans had been obliged to learn Latin, they would never have found time to conquer the world..

It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish..

A lawyer with his briefcase can steal more than a hundred men with guns..

Wherever I have gone in this country, I have found Americans..

Men heap together the mistakes of their lives, and create a monster they call Destiny..