It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious..

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry..

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!".

If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation ha….

I got a safe full of cherries 'cause I pop it and lock it..

We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities..

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays..

That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men.

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say..

It has long been recognized by public men of all kinds. . . that statistics come under the head of lying, and that no lie is so false or inconclusive….

Welcome to my garage. This is where I go to get away from the Honey-Do list..

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried..

Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants..

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!".

Always be sincere, even if you don't mean it..

And if ten percent of men are gay and twenty percent of men are Chinese, what are the odds that a men chosen at random spends his free time and mealt….

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home..

My whole family thinks I'm gay, I guess it's always been that way. Maybe it's 'cause of the way that I walk, Makes them think I like... boys..

In the distance, Bo saw a fairy. A fairy so beautiful that he felt proud of being called one in highschool..

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. ... That can keep me awake for days..