When you tell an Iowan a joke, you can see a kind of race going on between his brain and his expression..

Relaxed Empiricism -- I only believe something to be true if someone I know quite well tells me if happened..

Life is too short to spend hoping that the perfectly arched eyebrow or hottest new lip shade will mask an ugly heart..

The weatherman is always right. It's just his timing that's off..

Necessity knows no law; I know some attorneys of the same..

There's more evil in the charts than an Al-Qaeda suggestion box..

I ascribe to Mark Twain's theory that the last person who should be President is the one who wants it the most. The one who should be picked is the o….

I would never condone the burning of a Dan Brown novel, much though I loathe and detest his work. Well, I say work, you know, words, randomly arrange….

I'm not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it, I don't know when I lost it, I don't really think I ever had it. But I've seen the boss's j….

Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children..

I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge..

Well, the way things are going, aside from wheat and auto parts, America's biggest export is now the Oscar..

The scotch egg is such a Scottish food. It's as though a great Scottish chef said: I need a tasty snack. Let's take an egg... and wrap it in meat!! M….

Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you're telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much..

I can never tell when something is funny. I just have to do it onstage and find out..

Sometimes there's a tackiness about Route 66 that out-tacks any tackiness I've ever seen anywhere else. And the Meramec Caverns are the pinnacle of t….

Nobody ever says, "Can I have your beets?.

Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?.

And an anteater plus a large hungry mutant ant? An ironic way to die..

I know a guy who had his doctor say, "Take some weight off, go to a health club." The man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!.

A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!.