In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to wome….

If someone took the 'F' letter off me, I'd be ucked..

I wish it was that easy to get turned on for me - at this point, I need a bottle of Belevere and a fighterjet..

Not so great in England at the moment; in an online poll we came last, we actually came bottom of European countries for quality of life, because of ….

I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads..

A day without laughter is a day wasted..

If I wanted to be bored by 6,000 pages of unreadable dreck, I'd read War and Peace four times..

Can a woodchuck chuck wood? Because the question is, "how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if," so you haven't established or proved without any sha….

Kippers : fish that like a lot of sleep..

The mistakes of the fool are known to the world, but not to himself. The mistakes of the wise man are known to himself, but not to the world..

Obviously I was either onto something, or on something..

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception..

Life is too short to miss out on the beautiful things like a double cheeseburger..

I often carry things to read so that I will not have to look at the people..

Comedy is the blues for people who can’t sing..

There are two kinds of people in this world. The kind who divide the world into two kinds of people and those who don't..

We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?.

Expert: a man who makes three correct guesses consecutively..

Life is a constant oscillation between the sharp horns of dilemmas..

Television has changed the American child from an irresistable force to an immovable object..

Old people have fewer diseases than the young, but their diseases never leave them..