Who's judging American Idol? Paula Abdul? Paula Abdul judging a singing contest is like Christopher Reeve judging a dance contest!.

The future is something which everyone reaches at the rate of 60 minutes an hour, whatever he does, whoever he is..

Volleyball, I could be pretty good. After a few practices I could be that striker, or whatever they call it..

No sane man will dance..

I love being married. It's great. But I hate arguing. I hate fighting. You know what I do now? When we get in an argument, I just take her side again….

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity..

If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?.

I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling... the rest I spend foolishly..

When I was twenty-one, a friend gave me a book called Diet for a New America by John Robbins, which exposed the brutal practices of American factory ….

You ever go to shop for tuna, and it says "dolphin safe", and you look at it and kind of go, "Yeah, but"-like somehow you think it's not going to be ….

Two hours of sparkling entertainment spread out over a four-hour show..

I’ll always be doing stand-up as long as people are still interested in seeing me..

Musical people always want one to be perfectly dumb at the very moment when one is longing to be perfectly deaf..

In this world, everyone wants to know everything about you, and I think that's funny..

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome..

It isn't a matter of black is beautiful as much as it is white is not all that's beautiful..

Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men..

America's a family. We all yell at each other. It all works out..

Our relationship finally ended when he took to waking me up in the wee hours o the morning when he would go surfing. He thought it might be fun to ha….

My wife was a beautiful woman before we had children..

Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off..