Arguments are to be avoided: they are always vulgar and often convincing..

Here's a guy who when he runs, he moves faster..

So if you're black or brown, you can make money in America, you can get rich in America... but whatever you decide to do, it better be positive, 'cau….

See... Relationships are hard, man. For order, for any relationship to work, both people have to be on the same page, both people have to have the sa….

I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best..

When they took a young man into Tellson's London house, they hid him somewhere till he was old. They kept him in a dark place, like a cheese, until h….

A bottle of wine contains more philosophy than all the books in the world..

I drink to make other people more interesting..

You can’t make everybody laugh. You gotta just do what you think is funny. Just be obstreperous to everybody..

Hollywood's just not funny..

I love criticism just so long as it's unqualified praise..

Perhaps, after all, America never has been discovered. I myself would say that it had merely been detected..

I'd love to date somebody cool, fun, funny..

Correction does much, but encouragement does more..

A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young and inexperienced..

Some people can do things and get away with it. Comics are famously like that. Why is it that some guys can say the most horrible things and it's not….

If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster..

A new poll shows that Americans now believe that Bill Clinton is more honest than President Bush. At least when Clinton screwed the nation, he did it….

I have been called Taylor Lautner a few time which I'm quite happy about. You only have to look at us to see how funny that is but it's nice to prete….

When the media ask George W. Bush a question, he answers, 'Can I use a lifeline?'.

Because Vietnam was not a declared war, the veterans are not even eligible for the G. I. Bill of Rights with respect to education or anything..