Flight Reservation Systems decide whether or not you exist. If your information isn't in their database, then you simply don't get to go anywhere..

You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself..

A jury too often has at least one member more ready to hang the panel than to hang the traitor..

Then a homeless man with a dog approached us and put his hand out. This happens to be something that I have a real problem with: homeless people with….

Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand..

Indeed, it may be laid down as a general principle, that the more extended the ancestry, the greater the amount of violence and vagabondism; for in a….

The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation..

I identify more with women than with men. I guess I have a strong feminine side..

Work is the curse of the drinking classes..

If I knew for a certainty that a man was coming to my house with the conscious design of doing me good, I should run for my life..

Say, Cuttino. What are those Godawful clothes you're wearing? Man, this ain't Rhode Island anymore. You're in the NBA. The girls have teeth here..

I’m actually pale blue: it takes me a week of sunbathing to turn white..

Everybody is a potential murderer. I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices..

I could party in a cardboard box with people who are funny and don't care. For me, it's really about who I surround myself with, so I just try to alw….

Travel far enough, you meet yourself..

I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished yourselves this session..

I don't think I'm funny..

A woman is always buying something..

I can't relate to lazy people. We don't speak the same language. I don't understand you. I don't want to understand you..

When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?.

Right now, my job is that I'm like an ambulance chaser. I've got to look for movies with white guys falling out of them..