A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up..

Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?.

Your wrinkles either show that you're nasty, cranky, and senile, or that you're always smiling..

Adulthood feels like walking around in the desert with a bag over your head, being bumped into by people who rob you as they bore you..

People do not deserve to have good writing, they are so pleased with bad..

Farrakhan got everybody together for the Million Man March and everything. But Farrakhan don't like the Jews. Which is bugged. I get my hair cut on D….

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver..

In matters of religion and matrimony I never give any advice; because I will not have anybody's torments in this world or the next laid to my charge..

That's why I'm glad Jesus died when he did. Because if he lived to be 40, he would have ended up like Elvis. He was famous already at that point. If ….

You know why the French hate us so much? Thay gave us the croissant. And you know what we did with it? We turned it into our croissandwich, thank you….

I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second... or the fifth. I'll just begin with what I ….

I went in and said, "If I see one more gratuitous shot of a woman's body, I'm quitting . . . " I think the show should be emotional story lines, mora….

Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else's can shorten it..

In recent years, perhaps encouraged by competition from McDonald's, the British hamburger has become a credit to the nation. At the time of which I s….

We need to take responsibility and educate people. That's why black folks don't like me. I always say it's our responsibility to make safe neighborho….

After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations..

That ideology was never going to work, was it? It was just cobbled together from different beliefs: The anti-intellectualism of the Khmer Rouge, the ….

I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine.

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives..

What do women want? Shoes..

It's funny how you never think about the women you've had. It's always the ones who get away that you can't forget..