Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and driv….

I will probably have sex with Eminem after the show is over. Probably, I dont see why I wouldnt. Im fair game, its not like Im that picky, youve seen….

Sexual intercourse is kicking death in the ass while singing..

We're just playing basketball. It's not like we're going out to have unprotected sex with Magic..

One might feel that, at my age, I should look on life with more gravity. After all, I've been privileged to listen, firsthand, tosome of the most pro….

It's hard for a man to turn down sex... if they chase us, we can't run that fast..

That's an interesting accent you got there. Are you from stroke-victim?.

Ah coffee. The sweet balm by which we shall accomplish today's tasks..

I'm trying to die correctly, but it's very difficult, you know..

A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks round and sta….

To me, life is like the back nine in golf. Sometimes you play better on the back nine. You may not be stronger, but hopefully you're wiser. And if yo….

But then, like George Michael in a men's bathroom, I got cocky..

On one issue, at least, men and women agree. They both distrust women..

The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all the people who say he is very good..

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.

On the way up here to the podium, a gentleman came up to me and said, "Governor, you are as good a politician as you were an actor." What a cheap sho….

I don't believe pumpkin pie is even made from pumpkin. I mean, how can something that smells that shitty make a pie so sweet? There's not enough suga….

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member..

Most modern calendars mar the sweet simplicity of our lives by reminding us that each day that passes is the anniversary of some perfectly uninterest….

Forty million Americans smoked marijuana; the only ones who didn’t like it were Judge Ginsberg, Clarence Thomas and Bill Clinton..

The Cardinal is at his wit's end - it is true that he had not far to go..