Federal and state laws (should) be changed to no longer make it a crime to possess marijuana for private use..

AUSTRALIA, n. A country lying in the South Sea, whose industrial and commercial development has been unspeakably retarded by an unfortunate dispute a….

The English country-gentleman galloping after a fox — the unspeakable in full pursuit of the uneatable..

I had more material on weather than anyone else, I guess, ... back when I was traveling a lot on the road as a standup comic, between airport securit….

People go to Vegas, and they don't know what to do; here's what you do. You go to the casino in your hotel. On your arrival, you get $100 in quarters….

People only mention it's a free country if they're doing something shitty..

What we have found in this country, and maybe we're more aware of it now, is one problem that we've had, even in the best of times, and that is the p….

Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I….

North Korea is the country that the monkeys in the Wizard of Oz came from..

If a kid calls his grandma "Mommy" and his mama "Pam", he's going to jail!.

I'll never forget how she told us. She took us all out to brunch, and she was like, 'You guys, I'm keeping this one.'.

A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the mo….

Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened..

Charlie Chaplin's genius was in comedy. He has no sense of humor, particularly about himself..

That's the fastest time ever run - but it's not as fast as the world record.

Don't tell those coming in the final result of that fantastic match, but let's just have another look at Italy's winning goalo..

It's a battle with himself and with the ticking finger of the clock..

If I had blood, I'd blush..

What is a cynic? A man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing..

Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast..

Only the shallow know themselves..