When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet th….

I thought I was supposed to have a fake six-pack in this scene.

I'd love to be able to fit in a box. Like one of those people who fit into small boxes. I'd love it..

What a fine weather today! Can’t choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself..

I like my wine like my women - ready to pass out..

"Write that down," the King said to the jury, and the jury eagerly wrote down all three dates on their slates, and then added them up, and reduced th….

Tell the cook of this restaurant with my compliments that these are the very worst sandwiches in the whole world, and that, when I ask for a watercre….

If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer..

A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!.

What I'd like to do now - well, what I'd like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp..

When you're three, you're into custard, and jumping..

God shows his contempt for wealth by the kind of person he selects to receive it..

'Tis a superstition to insist on a special diet. All is made at last of the same chemical atoms..

Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery..

In my mind God made Adam and Eve, he didn't make Adam and Steve..

I never thought of myself as like, a funny person..

Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people..

I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself..

Contrary to what certain comedians have led you to believe, the national French pastime is picnicking..

That sounds terrific, thought Cary, just you, your comatose wife your shell-shocked son, and your daughter who hates your guts. Not to mention that y….

He was by no means opposed to hard labour on principle, for he would work away at a cricket-match by the day together, - running, and catching, and b….