They're working their way down. Next year, Todd Bridges gets the award. When I was a kid I wanted to be Eddie Murphy and now I'm a rip-off of Eddie M….

School shootings were invented by blacks... and stolen by the white man..

Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?".

There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics..

The problem with children is that you have to put up with their parents..

Nurture your mind with great thoughts, for you will never go any higher than you think..

If you don't drink 56 bottles of water a week, scientists say you should take a garden hose at the end of the week and shove it up your ass..

Community college is like a disco with books: "Here's ten dollars; let me get my learn on!".

Peter also uses his wig as a cereal bowl... He'll some times have some, like, Top Ramen in it..

It's a real primal thing, watching someone get hurt. It's funny and accessible..

Genius is born-not paid.

I'm sorry if any of you are Catholic. I'm not sorry if you're offended, I'm actually just sorry by the fact that you're Catholic..

We were wavering around like a ship without a sail..

Scientists are peeping toms at the keyhole of eternity..

I was asked about doing a nude shoot for men's magazine GQ. I thought it was the funniest thing I'd ever heard..

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward..

I've got such effeminate hands. I could never be strong. Whenever I even got to a save, my fingers would just bend back and the ball would hit me in ….

When they played, it wasn't music. It was the sound of chaos. I knew it was the sound of chaos because you could hear pigs being slaughtered. Women w….

I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection.

Life's pretty funny when you're objectively on the outside looking at it..

Now listen, guuuyyysss! Come on guys. Let's all, come on, let's be simple about this..