All wrong doing is done in the sincere belief that it is the best thing to do..

In my opinion MS is a lot better at making money than it is at making good operating systems..

Can somebody explain to me why Pepsi and Coke advertise? Are we missing something? Seriously, everyone in this room has drank enough Pepsi and Coke i….

I try to take it one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once..

It is a very dangerous thing to know one’s friends..

America: It's like Britain, only with buttons..

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat.

Vomit and feces are two reason I have decided not to procreate..

Hey Steve, no offense, but if you couldn't shoot, there would be no reason for you to be alive..

Babies are always more trouble than you thought and more wonderful..

If the Lord says to give more than you think you are able to give, know that He will provide for you. Whether things are sailing smoothly or the bott….

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience..

I think you should, yeah. You should wash your beard, then shave it off, nail it to a Frisbee and fling it over a rainbow..

I felt as out of place as a left-handed violinist in a crowded string section..

This friend of mine had a terrible upbringing. When his mother lifted him up to feed him, his father rented the pram out. Then, when they came into m….

I first met my wife in the tunnel of love. She was digging it at the time..

We were so poor; the ultimate luxury in our house at the time was ashtrays without advertisements..

If something's neither here nor there, where the hell is it?.

I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling..

So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and asked '"What's the matter? Did you fall over?" So I said "No. I've a bar of toffee in my back p….

After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month..