Umm thanks for the phone. I think I already broke it..

The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him.

I mean, I - it's so funny, I am, you know, I am, you know, a working woman out in the world, but I still live with my parents half the time. I've bee….

The plural of spouse is spice..

I can't think of anything that excites a greater sense of childlike wonder than to be in a country where you are ignorant of almost everything..

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me..

Nothing can confound a wise man more than laughter from a dunce..

Christians have created a holiday that has become a beast that cannot be fed. Christmas gets longer and longer and longer, and you don't care, do you….

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I'm beginning to believe it..

I really don't like drunk women; I think it is such a bad look. I think it's very inappropriate and I don't like it. I don't really have drunk friend….

A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run..

Deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance..

The only way a woman can ever reform a man is by boring him so completely that he loses all possible interest in life..

Beethoven can't really be great because his picture isn't on a bubble gum card..

A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone's feelings unintentionally..

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy..

Life is short. Ricky and I realize how lucky we were. We want to be together all the time..

Everything in moderation, including moderation..

I love Americans, but not when they try to talk French. What a blessing it is that they never try to talk English..

I was in a hotel room in Dallas, and I was jerking off so much and so sadly and pathetically, that the phone rang, and I thought it's them, they're c….

If you were half as funny as you think you are, you'd be twice as funny as you are now..