Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go..

The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else..

If sisters were free to express how they really feel, parents would hear this: "Give me all the attention and all the toys and send Rebecca to live w….

Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie..

Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches..

Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button a….

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death..

I get mad at people who talk about traumatic job interviews, about going on one and getting rejected. I get rejected all the time and not only do I g….

Cricket is basically baseball on valium..

Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit..

"Ladies and Gentlemen, we're about to begin boarding. If we could ask for your cooperation, please stay seated until you row has been called." ... Th….

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?.

It's a one-to-one dialogue. You open your mouth and you're talking to 6 million people..

First of all, i'm not an actor - I'm an asshole..

Hoist up sail while gale doth last, Tide and wind stay no man's pleasure..

Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch: "Thanks." On the other side: "Ruth, you look great." Ruth:….

Life is far too important a thing ever to talk seriously about..

There's a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed..

Those who love not their fellow-beings live unfruitful lives, and prepare for their old age a miserable grave..

Daddy pays for the water, daddy pays for the gas, daddy pays for the electricity, and if daddy didn't pay for the electricity, he'd pay for the candl….

There may be something good in silence. It's a brand new thing. You can hear the funniest little discussions, if you keep turning the volume down. Sh….