A man walks into a pet shop and says: "Give me a wasp." The shopkeeper replies: "We don't sell wasps." He says: "There's one in the window.".

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it..

Who knew that the devil had a factory where he made millions of fossils, which his minions distributed throughout the earth, in order to confuse my t….

If the Spray discovered no continents on her voyage, it may be that there were no more continents to be discovered. She did not seek new worlds, or s….

I've always felt England was a great place for a comic to work. It's an island and the audience can't run very far..

If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf..

Funny enough, if you are looking at people these days who are putting Botox in their face and getting all sorts of plastic surgery, we look at them a….

Let me tell you something that we Israelis have against Moses. He took us 40 years through the desert in order to bring us to the one spot in the Mid….

By the way, did you ever realize that if Moses would have turned right instead of left, we'd have had the oil, the Arabs would have had the sand?.

Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great..

Never vote for the best candidate, vote for the one who will do the least harm..

Jet lag is for amateurs..

Perhaps I should have pointed out more often that without her (mother's) guidance and example I might have gone straight from short pants to Long Bay….

It's funny to be a critic..

Tell us your phobias and we will tell you what you are afraid of.

She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

They've gotta stop reporting wind chill. That's nonsense. It really is. I don't know where they came up with it, why they came up with it, but it's a….

When I want to know what France thinks, I ask myself..

I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside "made around the corner.".

And even if you get shot by a stray bullet, you don't gotta go to no doctor to get it taken out, whoever shot you will take they bullet back! "I beli….

That's Al Qaeda's new plan: to destroy America one period at a time..