And yet, people still turn to Jesus. You will notice though that the kind of people who turn to Jesus tend to be the sort of people who haven't done ….

I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'.

... some of the best sex I can barely remember..

I'm a heavy smoker. I go through two lighters a day..

A friendship counting nearly forty years is the finest kind of shade-tree I know..

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me..

Men marry because they are tired; women, because they are curious; both are disappointed..

There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who's Mary Astor? Get me Mary Astor. Get me a Mary Astor type. Get me a young Mary Astor. Who's Mary A….

Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible..

There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs..

Einstein used science to get laid. That guy is a genius. I've been using money..

A good programmer is someone who always looks both ways before crossing a one-way street..

Even actresses that you really admire, like Reese Witherspoon, you think, 'Another romantic comedy?' You see her in something like 'Walk the Line' an….

Finland has produced so many brilliant distance runners because back home it costs $2.50 a gallon for gas..

A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard.".

If you want to stay fit, surround yourself with a couple of chicks who are fired up, so that the one day you're not, you can feed off their energy..

Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards..

I despise the Lottery. There's less chance of you becoming a millionaire than there is of getting hit on the head by a passing asteroid..

When your about to criticize someone walk a mile in thier shoes, that way when you criticize them you're a mile away from them and you have their sho….

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity..

Nostalgia: How long's that been around?.