There are three signs of old age: loss of memory ... I forget the other two..

When you are dealing with a child, keep all your wits about you, and sit on the floor..

Books are no more threatened by Kindle than stairs by elevators..

Any fool can write code that a computer can understand. Good programmers write code that humans can understand..

A city is a large community where people are lonesome together..

Fool me once, shame on - shame on you. Fool me - you can't get fooled again..

I think; therefore I am..

Matt Mason must be declared the poet laureate of the Midwest! No other native son celebrates the overlooked America, its unsung citizens (from the an….

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax - tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough..

Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable..

Be careful what you wish for, you may receive it..

We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . ..

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron..

I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow..

Canada is a country whose main exports are hockey players and cold fronts. Our main imports are baseball players and acid rain..

The trouble with being educated is that it takes a long time; it uses up the better part of your life and when you are finished what you know is that….

In my serious work I am striving for the essence of things and for goals which are possibly unobtainable. On the other hand, everything humorous has ….

There are times when parenthood seems nothing more than feeding the hand that bites you..

I try to sing many different kinds of songs. If I sing a batch of humorous songs, I'll throw in a deadly serious song. Or if I'm singing too many ser….

Ningauble shrugged. You're a hero. You should know..

I don't answer the phone. I get the feeling whenever I do that there will be someone on the other end..