The British suffer from a most unfortunate superiority complex - unjustified even under Victoria and most certainly hopelessly out-of-date today..

Jaw-jaw is better than war-war..

"She's a very charming and delightful creature," quoth Mr. Robert Sawyer, in reply; "and has only one fault that I know of, Ben. It happens, unfortun….

This country is so urbanized we think low-fat milk comes from cows on Nutri/System weight-loss plans..

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain..

If you are writing about baloney, don't try and make it Cornish hen, because that's the worst kind of baloney there is. Just make it darn good balone….

It's weird that people expect me to be funny. I find it a real burden when I'm expected to be humorous on talk shows..

Also, I'm sleeping with your mom. Just thought you should know..

I shall write a book some day about the appropriateness of names. Geoffrey Chaucer has a ribald ring, as is proper and correct, and Alexander Pope wa….

You spend all your life trying to do something they put people in asylums for..

Man is but mortal: and there is a point beyond which human courage cannot extend. Mr. Pickwick gazed through his spectacles for an instant on the adv….

I am far from sure when I am acting and when I am not or, should I more frankly put it, when I am lying and when I am not. For what is acting but lyi….

Tell me about yourself - your struggles, your dreams, your telephone number..

A lawyer with his briefcase can steal more than a hundred men with guns..

Statistics are no substitute for judgment..

I can't even tell you what else I imagined. I can only humiliate myself to such a degree; at a certain point it becomes humorous, and this story is n….

The Democrats said, "We don't know what's wrong with America, but we can fix it." The Republicans said, "There's nothing wrong with America, and we c….

If "ifs" and "ands" were pots and pans, there'd be no work for tinkers' hands.

I guess a drag queen's like an oil painting: You gotta stand back from it to get the full effect..

Eventually I would like to touch all the genres. I would like to do some detective stories, and I want to do a Western. I would want to do humorous W….

'I don't say a Zionist must be insane,' said President Weizmann, 'but it helps if he is.'.