Beauty, n: the power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband..

Immoral: Inexpedient. Whatever in the long run and with regard to the greater number of instances men find to be generally inexpedient comes to be co….

Achievement; the death of endeavor and the birth of disgust..

Litigation: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage..

Year: A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments..

General," said the commander of the delinquent brigade, "I am persuaded that any further display of valor by my troops will bring them into collision….

PRIVATE, n. A military gentleman with a field-marshal's baton in his knapsack and an impediment in his hope..

ACKNOWLEDGE, v.t. To confess. Acknowledgment of one another's faults is the highest duty imposed by our love of truth..

An old wine-bibber having been smashed in a railway collision, some wine was poured on his lips to revive him..

ZOOLOGY, n. The science and history of the animal kingdom, including its king, the House Fly ("Musca maledicta"). The father of Zoology was Aristotle….

Bore, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen..

PYRRHONISM- An ancient philosophy, named for its inventor. It consisted of an absolute disbelief in everything but Pyrrhonism. Its modern professors ….

FREEBOOTER, n. A conqueror in a small way of business, whose annexations lack of the sanctifying merit of magnitude..

No country is so wild and difficult but men will make it a theater of war..

Funeral: a pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expenditure that deepens ou….

MONOSYLLABIC, adj. Composed of words of one syllable . . . Commonly Saxon - that is to say, words of a barbarous people destitute of ideas and incapa….

EMOTION, n. A prostrating disease caused by a determination of the heart to the head. It is sometimes accompanied by a copious discharge of hydrated ….

OBSERVATORY, n. A place where astronomers conjecture away the guesses of their predecessors..

Spring beckons! All things to the call respond; the trees are leaving and cashiers abscond..

LINEN, n. "A kind of cloth the making of which, when made of hemp, entails a great waste of hemp.".

IMBECILITY, n. A kind of divine inspiration, or sacred fire affecting censorious critics of this dictionary..