Ambrose Bierce

Eloquence, n. The art of orally persuading fools that white is the color that it appears to be. It includes the gift of making any color appear white.

Immortality: A toy which people cry for, And on their knees apply for, Dispute, contend and lie for, And if allowed Would be right proud Eternally to die for.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

Rum, n. Generically, fiery liquors that produce madness in total abstainers.

Duty - that which sternly impels us in the direction of profit, along the line of desire.

Destiny: A tyrant's authority for crime and a fool's excuse for failure.

Witticism. A sharp and clever remark, usually quoted and seldom noted; what the Philistine is pleased to call a joke.

Success is the one unpardonable sin against our fellows.

Liberty: One of Imagination's most precious possessions.

Absence blots people out. We really have no absent friends.

Curiosity, n. An objectionable quality of the female mind. The desire to know whether or not a woman is cursed with curiosity is one of the most active and insatiable passions of the masculine soul.

Doubt is the father of invention.

Acquaintance. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.

Happiness: an agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.

A person who doubts himself is like a man who would enlist in the ranks of his enemies and bear arms agains himself. He makes his failure certain by himself being the first person to be convinced of it.

Litigation: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.

Forgetfulness - a gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience.

Education, n.: That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.

Telephone, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.

Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.

Philosophy: A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.