Whatever the occasion, do not neglect alcohol. No other refreshment will do. Yes, alcohol kills brain cells, but it's very selective. It only kills t….

Each American embassy comes with two permanent features - a giant anti-American demonstration and a giant line for American visas. Most demonstrators….

I was told to hand over my disposable lighter, to prevent, I suppose, any threat of "Do what I say or I'll light this Marlboro and you'll all die - i….

The Democrats said, "We don't know what's wrong with America, but we can fix it." The Republicans said, "There's nothing wrong with America, and we c….

The Democrats planned to fiddle while Rome burned. The Republicans were going to burn Rome, then fiddle..

This country is so urbanized we think low-fat milk comes from cows on Nutri/System weight-loss plans..

This country was founded by religious nuts with guns..

Finland is a rich country. What have they got? They got Nokia phones and plywood. How'd they get so rich? Because they're free..

You start out with Mad magazine, and you go right through the sort of black humor of Lenny Bruce, Lord Buckley, Mort Sahl, Paul Krassner... If you pu….

Especially with a magazine like Lampoon, which was very dependent on newsstand sales. Our readers didn't usually occupy the same address long enough ….

The interesting thing about staring down a gun barrel is how small the hole is where the bullet comes out, yet what a big difference it would make in….

We're gonna be in a world of hurt if we don't get it fixed, because there's going to be billions of people out there - they're hungry, they're mad. O….

I'm a political conservative..

It was to be a short visit for the G-shevs. More than four days in the U.S. and Raisa's VISA card bill would shatter the fragile Soviet economy..

It had never occurred to us that the Kremlin's new anti-booze campaign would apply to journalists. Now, that's a human-rights violation..

The day was warm and clear. Kids were playing soccer in the parking lots and women were sunning their babies and having their tea all over the lawns.….

Guns are always the best method for a private suicide. They are more stylish looking than single-edged razor blades and natural gas has got so expens….

Golf combines two favorite American pastimes: taking long walks and hitting things with a stick..

Some jobs are worse than actual wives. Ad agency vs. Matrimony, for instance: Even the most capricious and demanding spouse is not going to divorce y….

Never Refuse Wine. It is an odd but universally held opinion that anyone who doesn't drink must be an alcoholic..

Adam Smith's huge failure was the fact that he did not foresee the industrial revolution..