Automobiles are free of egotism, passion, prejudice and stupid ideas about where to have dinner. They are, literally, selfless. A world designed for ….

Newsmen believe that news is a tacitly acknowledged fourth branch of the federal system. This is why most news about government sounds as if it were ….

What use is it to endure the Dutch Rubs and Indian Rope Burns that are politics if you can't obtain mastery over people and give them noogies back?.

Actually, there is no way of making vomiting courteous. You have to do the next best thing, which is to vomit in such a way that the story you tell a….

Normally, the job sucks but work is kinda fun, because you see your friends and flirt with girls and stuff..

The old woman was not only ugly with the ugliness age brings us all but showed signs of formidable ugliness by birth - pickle-jar chin, mainsail ears….

Everybody in 15th century Spain was wrong about where China was and as a result, Columbus discovered Caribbean vacations..

Government does not cause affluence. Citizens of totalitarian countries have plenty of government and nothing of anything else..

I couldn't have gotten into Harvard with a crowbar..

When I left the Lampoon, I went west to try that out, and discovered that I hated it.They were awful people turning out awful product ..

A humorist doesn't really do that much note-taking..

Hunter S. Thompson brings a lunatic genius to ordinary events, and I bring an ordinary sensibility to lunatic events..

Neither conservatives nor humorists believe man is good. But left-wingers do..

I'm really tired of virtue..

The neo-hippie-dips, the sentimentality-crazed iguana anthropomorphizers, the Chicken Littles, the three-bong-hit William Blakes- thank God these peo….

There's not a woman in the book, the plot hinges on unkindness to animals, and the black characters mostly drown by Chapter 29..

I remember thinking cocaine was subtle until I noticed I'd been awake for three weeks and didn't know any of the naked people passed out around me..

The main reason to be opposed to political control of smoking is to keep power -even the smallest and silliest kind of power - out of the hands of ..….

I'll pick "I'm kidding" anytime over "I'm lying.".

Ann Coulter to me is someone who says things that I say all the time, but I say them at three in the morning when I'm drunk as a monkey. She says the….

Cockfighting has always been my idea of a great sport -- two armed entrées battling to see who'll be dinner..