We Americans, we're a simple people . . . but piss us off, and we'll bomb your cities..

Beer commercials usually show big men, manly men, doing manly things: "You've just killed a small animal. It's time for a light beer." Why not have a….

To be free. Such a thing would be greater than all the magic and all the treasures in all the world..

Even mistakes can be wonderful..

I never performed on drugs. That'd be stupid. It's the same thing with athletes. They can't perform when they have cocaine problems..

People would say I never censor. As Billy Crystal says, 'I don't have that button.'.

Acting is different from stand-up. It gives you this ability to enter into another character, to create another person..

Sometimes you can have a whole lifetime in a day and never notice that this is a beautiful as it gets..

I've always improvised, and stand-up was this great release. All of a sudden, it was just me and the audience..

I just want to do movies, and I want to sell them. I don't want to link up with some product..

Everyone has these two visions when they hold their child for the first time. The first is your child as an adult saying "I want to thank the Nobel C….

Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose..

I've never had a "hankering" to direct. I can perform, but I can't write on that level. I tend to go off on tangents. Directing also requires a kind ….

If there was a pill that allowed you to drink and not get drunk, an alcoholic would go "What happens if you take two?".

Cocaine is God's way of telling you you are making too much money..

A Pentagon official once said the people who would actually push the button probably have never seen a person die. He said the only hope -and it's a ….

It's a wonderful feeling when your father becomes not a god but a man to you - when he comes down from the mountain and you see he's this man with we….

To make fun of an administration, to make fun of anything, Mark Twain said, is the last defense of democracy..

Terrible wars have been fought where millions have died for one idea - freedom. And it seems that something that means so much to so many people woul….

The only weapon we have is comedy..

Cocaine for me was a place to hide. Most people get hyper on coke. It slowed me down. Sometimes it made me paranoid and impotent, but mostly it just ….