What kind of man gives cigarettes to trees?.

Things that I see in the future. I see... it could be quite incredible if we can master a few problems, like the air and the water thing might be nic….

They say our mothers really know how to push our buttons - because they installed them.

It never fails - you get in the bath and there's a rub at the lamp.

That's the formaldehyde. That's why Granny's so well-preserved..

We're not laughing at you - we're laughing near you.

You have this idea that you'd better keep working otherwise people will forget. And that was dangerous. And then you realize, no, actually if you tak….

But only in their dreams can men be truly free. It was always thus and always thus will be..

In down times I do things like go for a long bike ride or run. The other thing I'm doing in that quiet time is just observing..

After my training wheels, my first real bike was a Schwinn, and my first time out, I rode down a hill, didn’t know how to stop, and ran right into a ….

The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and yelling, 'You want a pi….

I thought I was fooling people. But it's the old thing of 'they say vodka doesn't smell'. No, not until you sweat. And you just lie and lie and you t….

"It's just literally being afraid. And you think, oh, [the alcohol] will ease the fear. And it doesn't." What was he afraid of? "Everything. It's jus….

Sometimes it’s more noble to tell a small lie than to deliver a painful truth..

Is it rude to Twitter during sex? To go "omg, omg, wtf, zzz"? Is that rude?.

I had sex with a prostitute when I was 21, I was so bad, she gave me a refund..

Here's the best birth control in the whole world, if you really, if you have no pills, if you have no diaphragm, if you have no other form of contrac….

I used food to make myself feel better, but I felt worse when I ate..

I had one or two steady girlfriends in high school, but then in college, it was three, four... I went crazy. At one point I had three separate girlfr….

Ever since my children were born, the moment I looked at them I was crazy about them. Once I held them I was hooked. I am addicted to my children sir….

Our job is improving the quality of life, not just delaying death..