A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, 'At my age, I don't even buy green bananas.'.

Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either..

Peter [Facinelli] would be so good at doing that. I want him to do the Beyoncé biopic..

There was a time when He was not..

The easiest way for your children to learn about money is for you not to have any..

Every parent knows that for a kid, the car is chloroform..

I don’t really get shaken very much. People could heckle me, a spotlight could go out, I could forget a lyric... I’m not operating on somebody’s brai….

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish..

I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens..

When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton..

Xavier would be such a great burger. He's all covered in spread..

It's not because John McCain doesn't care. It's because John McCain doesn't get it..

College is a refuge from hasty judgment..

People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House..

My parents are very funny when they have to deal with anything racy or off-color. They usually pretend they don't speak English..

Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it..

After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say 'I want to see the manager.'.

How come they don't think you can handle a new story out of the blue on the TV news? They gotta make a little lame segue. "Hey, that's a big lotto ja….

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida..

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!.

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price..