The likelihood of getting lost is directly proportional to the number of times the direction-giver says, 'You can't miss it'..

When I was younger I probably didn't understand something basic about tact, but I think it kept faint-hearted people at arm's distance and that's not….

My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!.

Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how it's done, they've seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves..

On the secret to a lasting marrige: One of you has to be sane, and the other one is only allowed to be insanne occasionally. We take turnes on who ge….

Remember that the wit, humour, and jokes of most mixed companies are local. They thrive in that particular soil, but will not often bear transplantin….

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it..

The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended-and not to take a hint when a hint isn't intended..

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax - tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough..

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me..

I have always wanted a mistress who was fat, and I have never found one. To make a fool of me, they are always pregnant..

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!.

Music makes one feel so romantic - at least it always gets on one's nerves - which is the same thing nowadays..

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep ….

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now.".

Separately there was only wind, water, sail, and hull, but at my hand the four had been given purpose and direction..

The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!.

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat..

I know at last what distinguishes man from animals; financial worries..

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me..

Civilization had too many rules for me, so I did my best to rewrite them..