On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me..

Civilization had too many rules for me, so I did my best to rewrite them..

Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He answered, 'I don't know, ….

When a woman marries again, it is because she detested her first husband. When a man marries again, it is because he adored his first wife. Women try….

Man has will, but woman has her way..

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me..

As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it..

Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance..

I have always been of the opinion that hard work is simply the refuge of people who have nothing whatever to do..

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty..

I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where….

For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back..

I'm in a situation with this girl that's as hopeless as overthrowing the Bush administration..

Whenever cannibals are on the brink of starvation, Heaven, in its infinite mercy, sends them a fat missionary..

As I remember it, the bases were loaded..

Life is short and if you're looking for extension, you had best do well. 'Cause there's good deeds and then there's good intentions. They are as far ….

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife..

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine..

Time and tide wait for no man, but time always stands still for a woman of 30..

Dombey sat in the corner of the darkened room in the great arm-chair by the bedside, and Son lay tucked up warm in a little basket bedstead, carefull….

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning..