I would have voted against the Civil Rights Act of 1964..

The best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it..

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table..

A true sonnet goes eight lines and then takes a turn for better or worse and goes six or eight lines more..

The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?.

When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy!.

My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit.

There's a very apt saying in show business: "If you don't go over budget in Paris, you're either very rich or very sick. ".

I don't wear rubbers cause you can't catch it twice..

Eighty is when you order a steak and the headwaiter puts it through the blender. Or when you wake up as many times during the night as Burt Reynolds,….

Armenians and Azerbaijanis in Stepanakert, capital of the Nagorno-Karabakh autonomous region, rioted over much needed spelling reform in the Soviet U….

There are only three things to be done with a woman. You can love her, suffer for her, or turn her into literature..

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back..

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her..

I listen like mad to any conversation taking place next to me just trying to hear why this is funny. Women's restrooms are especially great. I wash m….

It's better to spend money like there's no tomorrow than to spend tonight like there's no money..

This is a youth-oriented society, and the joke is on them because youth is a disease from which we all recover..

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: His sins were scarlet, but his books were read..

Dolphins : Animals that are so intelligent that, within a few weeks of captivity, they can train a man to stand on the edge of their pool and throw t….

The likelihood of getting lost is directly proportional to the number of times the direction-giver says, 'You can't miss it'..

When I was younger I probably didn't understand something basic about tact, but I think it kept faint-hearted people at arm's distance and that's not….