They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning..

The greatest thief this world has ever produced is procrastination, and he is still at large..

Laughter is the fireworks of the soul..

School is a place were you go to eat your lunch.

Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money..

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks..

Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf..

Here's how much I know about hockey. Mike Royko and I were in a tiny bar one winter night, and the radio kept reporting goals by the Blackhawks. I me….

If you're black, you got to look at America a little bit different. You got to look at America like the uncle who paid for you to go to college, but ….

My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section..

You start out happy that you have no hips or boobs.All of a sudden you get them, and it feels sloppy. Then just when you start liking them, they star….

The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder..

A gossip is one who talks to you about others; a bore is one who talks to you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to yo….

It takes a thoroughly good woman to do a thoroughly stupid thing.

The middle class is so funny, it's the class I know best, and it's the class where you find the most pretension, so that's what makes the middle clas….

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers..

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand..

There is certainly more in the future now than back in 1964..

I liked the place I came from. But a lot of what I liked about it was that I had come from there..

There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drin….

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie..