The only way to lose weight is to check it as airline baggage..

Many people are surprised to hear that we have comedians in Russia, but they are there. They are dead, but they are there..

An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose..

"Ah, Miss, hope is an excellent thing for such as has the spirits to bear it!" said Mrs Wickam, shaking her head. "My own spirits is not equal to it,….

An unsophisticated forecaster uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts - for support rather than for illumination..

If there is not laughter in intimacy, it becomes heavy, burdensome, and dull. At my best moments, the love dialogue I try to carry on with You each d….

The Americans never walk. In winter too cold and in summer too hot..

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone..

Only in America, Rabbi Golden, do these peasants, our mothers, get their hair dyed platinum at the age of sixty, and walk up and down Collins Avenue ….

Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it..

Poor Mr. Pickwick! ... If he played a wrong card, Miss Bolo looked a small armoury of daggers; if he stopped to consider which was the right one, Lad….

True humor is fun - it does not put down, kid, or mock. It makes people feel wonderful, not separate, different, and cut off. True humor has beneath ….

He's gone, and forgot nothing but to say farewell to his creditors.

Good wine needs no bush, And perhaps products that people really want Need no hard-sell or soft-sell TV push. Why not? Look at pot..

I think it would be totally inappropriate for me to even contemplate what I am thinking about..

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on..

I abhor averages. I like the individual case. A man may have six meals one day and none the next, making an average of three meals per day, but that ….

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'.

The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, and there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence. Yet, government reg….

Whenever anyone says, 'theoretically', they really mean, 'not really'..

It's hard to enjoy practical jokes when your whole life feels like one..