It's hard to enjoy practical jokes when your whole life feels like one..

I'm sorry. I don't recall.

There was a knock on our dressing-room door. Our manager shouted, 'Keith! Ron! The Police are here!' Oh, man, we panicked, flushed everything down th….

Democracy is the process by which people choose the man who'll get the blame..

Clinton's an unusually good liar. Unusually Good. Do you realize that?.

I have more ideas than I'll ever be able to write in five lifetimes..

It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious t….

Going round and around inside a dryer can be fatal, whereas pasta is rarely fatal. Unless Isabelle makes it..

If you'd lose a troublesome visitor, lend him money..

Nothing like watching your relatives fight, I always say..

Mr. Bazzard's father, being a Norfolk farmer, would have furiously laid about him with a flail, a pitch-fork, and every agricultural implement availa….

I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun..

We had a very successful trip to Russia. We made it back..

We are told that Sin consists in acting contrary to God's commands, but we are also told that God is omnipotent. If He is, nothing contrary to His wi….

If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners..

Defy your own group. Rebel against yourself..

I'm halfway through a novel set in two time frames - Austin in the 1960's and Alpine (Texas) in present day. It started out to be a small, lightheart….

A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk..

You can get by on charm for about 15 minutes. After that, you better know something..

Brains, you know, are suspect in the Republican Party..

Stalin didn't write any memoirs. He was too secretive. He was afraid people might read them..