Stalin didn't write any memoirs. He was too secretive. He was afraid people might read them..

My advice to the unborn is, don't be born with a gambling instinct unless you have a good sense of probabilities..

Advertising is like learning - a little is a dangerous thing..

Government is like junior high. Your status depends upon whom you're able to persecute..

It looked something like a pen wiper and something like a piece of hearth-rug. A second and keener inspection revealed it as a Pekinese puppy..

Judges don't age. Time decorates them..

The sky was of the deepest blue, with a few white, fleecy clouds drifting lazily across it, and the air was filled with the low drone of insects or w….

The real Oxford is a close corporation of jolly, untidy, lazy, good-for-nothing humorous old men, who have been electing their own successors ever si….

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake..

I observe the physician with the same diligence as the disease..

The two real political parties in America are the Winners and the Losers. The people don't acknowledge this. They claim membership in two imaginary p….

Ven you read the speeches in the papers, and see as vun gen'lman says of another, 'the Honourable member, if he vill allow me to call him so' you vil….

...the wonderful poems interpreting with equal magic the romance of strange lands and times, or the modern soul, naked and unashamed, as if clothed i….

Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?.

Dear America, I suppose we should introduce ourselves: We're South Louisiana...You probably already know that we talk funny and listen to strange mus….

Somebody should tell Jerry Falwell that God is an Independent . . . he's not rich enough to be a Republican..

It seems an easy choice - sacrifice the tree for a human life - until one learns that three trees must be destroyed for each patient treated. Suddenl….

Our first stop was red square, the heart of Moscow - if Moscow has one..

Reconnecting to the animal means getting to a more sensitive, more artful and more humorous place in the psyche..

It's very frustrating making a picture in Paris. We work hard all day at the studio to get a love scene just right. Then, on my way home, I see coupl….

Everything serious that he says is a joke and everything humorous that he says is dead serious..