He was drunk upon the average once a day, and penitent upon an equally fair calculation once a month; and when he was penitent, he was invariably in ….

Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages..

Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes..

... Take another glass of wine, and excuse my mentioning that society as a body does not expect one to be so strictly conscientious in emptying one's….

Who made the world I cannot tell; 'Tis made, and here am I in hell. My hand, though now my knuckles bleed, I never soiled with such a deed..

The essence of success is that it is never necessary to think of a new idea oneself. It is far better to wait until somebody else does it, and then ….

Well, that's your opinion, isn't it? And I'm not about to waste my time trying to change it..

God is a Republican, and Santa Claus is a Democrat..

Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank even when you are the only person in line..

Though philosophers like to define poetry as irrational fancy, for us it is practical, humorous, reasonable way of being ourselves..

There is, in fact, no law or government at all; and it is wonderful how well things go on without them..

There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it..

Abstract reason, formerly the servant of practical human reasons, has everywhere become its master, and denies poetry any excuse for existence. Thou….

My uncle, Mr. Stephen Maple, had been at the same time the most successful and the least respectable of our family, so that we hardly knew whether to….

Many complain of their memory, few of their judgment..

I can't even get three weeks off to have cosmetic surgery..

The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets..

The ability to play the clarinet is the ability to overcome the imperfections of the instrument. There's no such thing as a perfect clarinet, never w….

God help the patient..

I've spent enough time with soldiers to know that once they get to know you and they loosen up and become themselves, they are some of the biggest ha….

English clubs are very exclusive. I played Royal Foxshire and they made me wear a suit and tie. . . in the shower..