And I'm not getting laid! What am I doing wrong?.

If I thought the Jews killed God, I'd worship the Jews..

It's not a war on drugs, it's a war on personal freedom..

Are gun rights advocates arguing that roving gangs...shooting innocent bystanders constitutes a 'well-regulated militia'?.

Is it impossible to imagine Americans sneaking into Mexico en masse, seeking regular employment and a better way of life?.

In Australia...they celebrate Easter the same...by telling our children a giant bunny rabbit...left chocolate eggs in the night.

I can speak for every guy in this room here tonight. Guys, if you could blow yourselves, ladies, you'd be in this room alone right now. Watching an e….

What does an atheist scream when they come?.

What do you say we lighten things up and talk about abortion?.

I'll tell you how to solve this abortion thing...Those unwanted babies...? Leave about 12 of them on the Supreme Court steps..

[Comedy] is an escape from illusions. The audience is...thinking, 'This bullshit we see and hear all day makes no sense.'.

Pornography is any act that has no artistic merit and causes sexual thoughts...Sounds like almost every commercial on TV to me..

The war on drugs to me is absolutely phoney, its so obviously phoney, ok? It's a war against our civil rights, that's all it is. They're using it to ….

It's not that I disagreed with Bush's economic policy... I believed he was a child of Satan here to destroy the planet..

They believe the bible is the exact word of God - Then they change the bible! Pretty presumptuous, hu huh? "I think what God meant to say...".

I'm totally confused about what I'm going to do with my life..

...love rather than fear...this radical philosophy is coming from me, an avowed misanthrope...surely there is hope for us all..

I believe it is our own misperceptions of who we really are that leads to every self-created hell you'll find in this world..

And on the seventh day, god stepped back and said and said, "This is my creation, perfect in every way... oh, dammit I left all this pot all over the….

The waitress comes over to me like, 'What'chu readin' for?' I had never been asked that. Not 'What am I reading?' but 'What am I reading for?' Goddam….

All governments are lying cocksuckers..