A flu shot is the worst thing you can do..

Arnold Schwarzenegger has come out against gay marriage. He said marriage is a sacred union between a groupie and any number of body builders..

I don't think all life is precious. I know people say that all the time, "Life is precious." I think some life is precious, and some life is just a w….

If anybody is so mad at Vladimir Putin, you know what they could do? They could advocate for a gas tax. He gets all his leverage from selling gas and….

The worst years of my life were the first two years I was doing standup. You're learning how to do, and you're going on stage in front of two drunks ….

People sometimes say how standup is so hard, and I always tell them that it's hard at the beginning..

We've been on a long break and I've just been kicking back, doing nothing. Like our government..

When we make mistakes they call it evil.

There's a word the teabaggers have wanted to use since Obama came on the scene, but they can't because it's not the 1950s. They would love to say thi….

The Drug War is an addiction, really..

If there is such a thing as karma, let's hope that Sarah Palin comes back as a wolf being shot at from a plane..

It's a good time to say "Oh" and take stock and say, "Gee, how was I ethically this year?" That's the problem with faith, Joe. What it does is it kin….

Idiots must stop claiming that atheism is a religion. Religion is defined as the belief in and worship of a superhuman controlling power. And atheism….

Between Ron Paul and Rick Perry, I think the lesson is don't get sick in Texas..

I don't want to be a pessimist. I'm a realist. One man's realist is another man's pessimist..

Republicans have become the party of red, white and blue rose colored glasses. By drowning out criticism with USA! USA!, they prevent this country fr….

People who don't like you almost never come up to you. That's a lot of years of saying things that I know a lot of people in this country hate me for….

Greed can overtake smart..

This has been a learning experience for me. I also thought that privacy was something we were granted in the Constitution. I have learned from this w….

I want to just take a moment to thank the Teabaggers. Thank you so much for helping us pass health care, for resurrecting the Obama presidency. I kno….

You'd know if I was the de-facto leader of the Democratic Party, because you'd go down to Walgreen's and buy a pack of blunts..