Tea-baggers love the truth. They just hate facts..

Guns aren't just a tool of last resort. They're awesome. That's why people stroke them. And name them, and take pictures with them. You guys aren't j….

Because of the Republicans, I'm not ashamed of being an American. I'm embarrassed!.

Space tourism is God's way of telling you you aren't spending enough on lap dances, baccarat and cocaine..

I have such disdain for anybody who gets joy out of blowing the stuffing out of a little woodland creature, that I don't really care if any of them g….

When I was 5-years-old, I knew who Khrushchev was..

Rand Paul and Chris Christie both said vaccinations should be a choice, not a government mandate. Because when have Republicans ever told people what….

People say to me all the time, "I get my news from your show." And that isn't the way they should get their news. But the choice is not between getti….

Last week, I suggested the candidates take up mushrooms. I'll be damned if Rick Perry didn't take me up on that..

The electricity is back on in Baghdad. That is a very climactic moment in any country's liberation, when the lights come back on and you get a good l….

Sarah Palin said perhaps the most irresponsible thing I've ever heard any politician say. She said, 'The only thing that stops a bad guy with a nuke ….

I just don't see why anybody would vote Republican in the Army. If you want to support the troops, if I was a troop, I would say, 'You know how to su….

Hollywood isn't your cesspool, America. It's your mirror..

I am so tired of rearranging my life around what the stupidest people might do..

The car bomb was fertilizer, gasoline, fireworks and propane tanks...still safer than a Toyota..

Your fuselage shouldn't open more easily than your pretzel bag..

I always say people would rather be nice than right. I like to be nice too, but come on. People frequently ask me, what is my definition of political….

Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass, and it translate to beef wi….

When the tabloids photograph me when I'm out, I always say: "You know what, folks? I'm not married and I'm not gay. You caught me with a hot chick. Y….

Scientists say an 8.9 earthquake here could knock down buildings, flood coastal areas... and improve the roads..

I want you teabaggers out there to understand one thing: while you idolize the Founding Fathers and dress up like them, and smell like them, I think ….