When opportunity knocks all some people can do is complain about the noise..

White people have always shown their superiority over blacks with their feet, moving out of black neighborhoods with the fear that their kids will tu….

Their [Republicans] approach to a woman's body is the same as their approach to the economy: they have no idea how it works, but they're eager to scr….

I'm for the death penalty, I'm pro-abortion, I'm pro-assisted suicide, I'm pro-regular suicide. Anything that'll get the traffic moving..

I don't do heroin myself, but it's done wonders for my music collection..

Did you see the 2000 Republican Presidential Convention? The last time the Republicans had that many Black people on a stage, they were selling them!.

As a comedian, I think we all look for those areas where the truth diverts from what people are saying. That's why politics is such a rich area for u….

Trusting the government to monitor your calls without listening. It's kind of like trusting Chris Christie to pick up the McDonald's and not eat the ….

I love Jesus. I just don't like the Christians who don't believe in what he says..

Halloween is a day when we all get to fool people into thinking we're someone else. Or as Mitt Romney calls it, campaigning..

That's what's so great about the Internet. It allows pompous blow-hards to connect with other pompous blow-hards in a vast circle-jerk of pomposity..

Donald Trump got the power of the government behind him now. He didn't have that before when he was just a clown. The Republican party is still with ….

Karl Rove thinks we shouldn’t have Hillary Clinton in the White House because she fell and hit her head a couple years ago, spent three days in the h….

If you're living hand-to-mouth, and still buying into the con that the big threats to America are socialized medicine, Mexican immigrants and tax inc….

If anti-gay stuff is always coming out of your mouth, something very gay is probably going in..

Things aren't right. If a burglar breaks into your home and you shoot him, he can sue you. For what, restraint of trade?.

We don't do sensible things. This is America..

New rule: If churches don't have to pay taxes, they also can't call the fire department when they catch fire. Sorry reverend, that's one of those ser….

Every election, roughly half the population votes Democrat and the other half votes Republican. Now, I understand why the Republicans get one percent….

I'm okay with it now that Obama’s in office. I'm kind of trusting of him. But President Ted Cruz? Where this is going would bother me..

Why is Mitt Romney not bragging: 'I covered all these people'? Why can't the Democrats sell the idea, we're trying to make you well? Is that such a h….