Occupation: Comedian Birth: January 20, 1956
During the Depression, or back when we were fighting Hitler, people didn't have time to sue a company if the coffee was too hot. There were urgent, p….
I kid the Republicans, with love. I feel bad for them. They got nobody for next time. Who are they gonna run? Sarah Palin, reading off her hand. Did ….
I always wanted to be a comedian, even when I was a little kid. I had a funny father who was in the news business, by the way. He was a radio news gu….
Amazon has included me in an opportunity to provide top-shelf television-style programming live on the world's computer screens. To hold forth with t….
If we go back to the beginning, we shall find that ignorance and fear created the gods; that fancy, enthusiasm, or deceit adorned them; that weakness….
The Republicans released their 'Pledge to America.' It's 21 pages of phony charts and bad ideas. Sarah Palin got a copy, and she said, 'How am I supp….
Being politicians, they all got to sharing their personal stories. Obama talked about his mother's battle with cancer. Harry Reid talked about a kid ….
New Rule: Stop asking Miss USA contestants if they believe in evolution. It’s not their field. It’s like asking Stephen Hawking if he believes in hai….
Don't vote for Republicans or Democrats until they clean up the open system of bribery that we live under..
The Democrats are very bad at selling their own product. The Republicans are geniuses at it. And I've said it before, a bad product well apologized f….
I have two dogs. If I had retarded children, I'd be a hero. And yet, the dogs are pretty much the same thing..
This week Sarah Palin's memoir became a bestseller. It's not even out yet. It's being translated into English..
I didn't really think a lot about religion, but I didn't really think a lot against it, either. I was one of those people who didn't go to church, bu….
I'd like to protect children, too, but... is everything worth sacrificing to that? I mean, drugs have done a lot of good... They've midwived a lot of….
To me a real patriot is like a real friend. Who's your real friend? It's the person who tells you the truth. That's who my real friends are. So, you ….
If you, the citizen, deliberately vote for someone who won't give you healthcare over someone who will, you need to have your head examined. Except y….
When I do stand-up around the country, I often see people walk out. This is a show that they've purposely gone to, where my name is on the ticket, an….
Maybe every other American movie shouldn't be based on a comic book. Other countries will think Americans live in an infantile fantasy land where rea….
Little do women know what big ideas I have in my pants..
I see they found out the universe is 80 million years older than we thought. It's also been lying about its weight..
No politician is perfect. But in every election in your life, there will be one choice that is better than the others. Go out and vote for that one..