A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation..

A member of the committee slapped a name tag over my left bosom. "What shall we name the other one?" I smiled. She was not amused..

Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart..

Whoever tells the best story wins..

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age..

Never go to clubs with metal detectors. Sure it feels safe inside. But what about all those niggas waiting outside with guns? They know you ain't got….

I'll let the racket do the talking..

In the early days all I hoped was to make a living out of what I did best. But, since there's no real market for masturbation I had to fall back on m….

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair..

I knew comedy was the thing for me when I was the only Asian kid in high school... who failed math..

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down..

Laughing together heartily at the same thing forms an instant bond..

I know they don't recommend Ibuprofen during pregnancy, but you needed something fast for the hangovers..

A hippie is someone who looks like Tarzan, walks like Jane and smells like Cheetah..

A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in business..

Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners..

Women are like puzzles because prior to 1920 neither had the right to vote. Puzzles still don't..

Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book..

It was the coldest winter ever! I thought last winter was the coldest winter ever, but I was wrong now wasn't I? You see because I travel all the tim….

And at the time, it is funny how you can look at something and say, for example with my shoulder injury, when it first happened I said this is the wo….

If we have to have a choice between being dead and pitied, and being alive with a bad image, we'd rather be alive and have the bad image..