They are not testing comics for drugs. If our job is dependent on that, there would be three working comics in the country, and two of them would hav….

For my next trick I will make everyone understand me..

God doesn't seem to talk to people like he used to. Who's he talking to now? I don't know. Then I'm walking down the street in Manhattan one day, and….

Comedy is obviously a matter of personal taste and the world always needs a clown and some people have no taste at all and any clown will do..

The torpid artist seeks inspiration at any cost, by virtue or by vice, by friend or by fiend, by prayer or by wine..

Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five..

Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know..

I was raised by just my mom. See, my father died when I was eight years old. At least, that's what he told us in the letter..

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar..

Men at forty Learn to close softly The doors to rooms they will not be Coming back to..

The church is like manure. Pile it up, and it stinks up the neighborhood. Spread it out, and it enriches the world..

You know they invented wheelbarrows to teach FAA inspectors to walk on their hind legs..

Unfortunately, he was about as deep as a melted ice cube..

Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car..

Life is short and progress is slow.

If you were happy every day of your life you wouldn't be a human being, you'd be a game show host..

Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo..

I got off the plane - I was walking and cooking at the same time..

Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton..

Many Americans follow pro basketball from November through June, for reasons that I found unexplainable, other than the fact that they were overly fa….

Cocaine is God's way of telling you you are making too much money..