My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf..

I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it..

Amy Winehouse - her surname's beginning to sound like a description of her liver..

An idea that is not dangerous is unworthy of being called an idea at all..

Oh, to be seventy again!.

Humor is the mask of wisdom..

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you..

When somebody says, "The last thing I want to do is hurt you," it means they've got other things to do first..

To kill a relative of whom you are tired is something. But to inherit his property afterwards, that is genuine pleasure..

Space isn't remote at all. It's only an hour's drive away if your car could go straight upwards..

Don't look back. Something might be gaining on you..

I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress..

Women represent the triumph of matter over mind, just as men represent the triumph of mind over morals..

In the game of life, it's a good idea to have a few early losses, which relieves you of the pressure of trying to maintain an undefeated season..

My father established our relationship when I was seven years old. He looked at me and said, “You know, I brought you in this world, and I can take y….

It's all right leaping about the stage when you're 20 but when you get to 25 it gets a bit embarrassing.

Suffering is overrated. It doesn't teach you anything..

You know, sometimes kids get bad grades in school because the class moves too slow for them. Einstein got D's in school. Well guess what, I get F's!!!.

In my time at Anfield we always said we had the best two teams on Merseyside - Liverpool and Liverpool reserves..

The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once..

A city is a large community where people are lonesome together..