I don't like big feet. It reminds me of gammon..

Life was a funny thing that happened to me on the way to the grave..

The more Discovery Channel you watch, the less chance you have of ever meeting a woman. Because it fills your head with odd facts that can come out a….

My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I just signed legislation which outlaws Russia forever. The bombing begins in five minutes..

Appeasement, said Winston Churchill, consists of being nice to a crocodile in the hope that he will eat you last. At the moment, the biggest crocodil….

A sportswriter once referred to him as our future president. With a name like Kevin, I don't know whether that's possible..

Everything I think of now is too rude to actually say..

Man is a historical being : The realisations of the powers of human individuals living at any one time takes the cooperation of many generations (or ….

The city is not a concrete jungle, it is a human zoo..

A casino in South Dakota was robbed by a man dressed as a mummy. The police described the suspect as anywhere between 25 and 8,000 years old..

....maybe fear is God's way of saying, "Pay attention, this could be fun..

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female..

You never realize how short a month is until you pay alimony..

It is better to be looked over than overlooked..

A man has one hundred dollars and you leave him with two dollars, that's subtraction..

Honestly some folk will take offence at anything, I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was "How are you getting….

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it..

Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world..

Any man who has had the job I've had and didn't have a sense of humor wouldn't still be here..

My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf..

I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it..