The house of Lords must be the only institution in the world which is kept efficient by the persistent absenteeism of most of its members..

An autobiography is the story of how a man thinks he lived..

Comedians don't laugh. They're too busy analyzing why it's funny or not..

It was only when I finished the course and left my graduation diploma on the bus that I realized I'd become an actor..

Please stop waiting for a map. We reward those who draw maps, not those who follow them..

You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little potbelly and a bald spot..

Stephen Hawking: Brainier than Kurt Cobain's garage wall..

The owners of a dog which swallowed a diamond worth £12000 had to wait three days until it re-emerged. With a bit of planning it could have been a ni….

My graduate studies were carried out at the California Institute of Technology..

My father was on the faculty in the Chemistry Department of Harvard University; my mother had one year of graduate work in physics before her marriag….

Congratulations you're 18!... On a list of 20 people I'm going to kill..

It turns out your not dyslexic, your just really really stupid..

When I went to school, sex education was mainly muttered warnings about the janitor..

Why is it that it's okay to call a white person "mate" yet it's not okay to call a black guy "primate"?.

They've bought out a condom now for people with premature ejaculation and they've put an anesthetic in the lining that makes you numb and you can las….

Bulldogs have been known to fall on their swords when confronted by my superior tenacity..

If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it..

The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced..

If you want to get laid, go to college. If you want an education, go to the library..

Nobody fights with Jerry because you know the price would be too high. You might come out the winner, at his age, you might even lick him, but you'd ….

A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the damned things is ample..