The church is like manure. Pile it up, and it stinks up the neighborhood. Spread it out, and it enriches the world..

You know they invented wheelbarrows to teach FAA inspectors to walk on their hind legs..

Unfortunately, he was about as deep as a melted ice cube..

Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car..

Life is short and progress is slow.

If you were happy every day of your life you wouldn't be a human being, you'd be a game show host..

Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo..

Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton..

Many Americans follow pro basketball from November through June, for reasons that I found unexplainable, other than the fact that they were overly fa….

Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday..

There is no Democratic or Republican way of cleaning the streets..

God heals, and the doctor takes the fees..

One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry..

She has been kissed as often as a police-court Bible, and by much the same class of people..

It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we've got rockets, we've got saran wrap - fix it!.

I'm the oldest I've ever been, right now..

If in the after life there is not music, we will have to import it..

A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have tol….

I'm an old newspaper-man myself, but I quit because I found there was no money in old newspapers..

If it was just the potatoes that were affected, at the end of the day you will pay the price if you're a fussy eater..

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own..