Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way: Prices and participation may vary. I wanna open a McDonald's and not participate in anything. I wanna ….

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country..

They used to have a smoking section at most airports. No more. They now have these glass-encased rooms. You're not just a smoker, you're an example t….

Dear Lord, I've been asked, nay commanded, to thank Thee for the Christmas turkey before us... a turkey which was no doubt a lively, intelligent bird….

If you don't like my opinion of you, you can always improve.

It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others..

I was once on a German talk show, and this woman said to me, 'Mr. Williams, why do you think there is not so much comedy in Germany?' And I said, 'Di….

"Ah, Miss, hope is an excellent thing for such as has the spirits to bear it!" said Mrs Wickam, shaking her head. "My own spirits is not equal to it,….

I know how to do anything, I'm a mom..

Sorry - Americans only buy things that come from suffering. They just enjoy it more when they know someone's getting hurt..

Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get..

I'm a big boy, but I can get jiggy with it. Ladies, I will go to dance clubs, and I will tear it up hardcore for a good 30 seconds..

A man who correctly guesses a woman`s age may be smart, but he's not very bright..

It being a part of Mrs. Pipchin's system not to encourage a child's mind to develop and expand itself like a young flower, but to open it by force li….

If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle..

I guess I don't so much mind being old, as I mind being fat and old..

I am thinking it right but beating it wrong..

Women with pasts interest men because they hope history will repeat itself..

I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on..

Sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally, I think its bollocks!!.

With the exception of women, there is nothing on earth so agreeable or necessary to the comfort of man as the dog..