He who hesitates is a damned fool..

I love you like a gay geneticist loves designer genes..

As you can see, I speak many languages, including the language of sex..

You know you're getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead..

Too many people, when they get old, think that they have to live by the calendar..

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see okay?.

People always say life is short. I've never been convinced of that - mine seems to have a tendency to go on and on..

Our incomes are like our shoes; if too small, they gall and pinch us; but if too large, they cause us to stumble and to trip..

Miami Beach is where neon goes to die..

They'll score if they can just get into the endzone..

Looking up gives light, although at first it makes you dizzy..

I performed at Mom and Dad's party when I was four. Oh my gosh, I was singing a Madonna song, and I peed myself!.

First, it was not a strip bar, it was an erotic club. & And second, what can I say? I'm a night owl..

Here's a guy who can use his arms and legs at the same time..

There is, in fact, no law or government at all; and it is wonderful how well things go on without them..

He would have scored a touchdown if he hadn't been tackled right there..

Give us the luxuries of life, and we will dispense with its necessities..

When you have great players, playing great, well that's great football!.

I am proud to be an American. Because an American can eat anything on the face of this earth as long as he has two pieces of bread..

I always like to know everything about my new friends, and nothing about my old ones..

My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror.".