Everybody's trying to leave their mark on the world. That's why there's graffiti and babies..

Too much work, and no vacation, Deserves at least a small libation. So hail! my friends, and raise your glasses, Work's the curse of the drinking cla….

I absolutely admit I had him in the handcuffs so he wouldn't go anywhere while I checked the computer... I certainly wasn't going to kill him. That's….

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso..

He was all emotion all the time, constantly talking about his feelings and his profound love for her. He was minutes from getting his first period. H….

I don't think I'd have done comedy if I was born eighty years ago I'd have been a lord. Shooting people that were on my land With a wig, yeah. And so….

Stupidity is better kept a secret than displayed..

All TV is, is really: 'Don't you want to be this, aren't you glad you're not that.' There's nothing really in the middle..

The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can't fake it... try to fake three laughs in an hour - ha ha ha ha ha - they'll take you away, man.….

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it..

Don't gobblefunk around with words..

This book is dedicated to all of my friends who helped me get to where I am today - you know who you are... and when I find you I am going to kill yo….

I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future..

My grandfather once told me that there were two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit. He told me to try to be in the ….

My good intentions are completely lethal..

Gas is getting so expensive I'm gonna ride a mexican to work..

Fill what is empty, empty what is full, and scratch where it itches..

Orchestras have often been used to conjure up the natural world: Swans, sharks, trout, but not, as far as I know, the often maligned jellyfish..

Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everybody else..

The farewell between Hitler and Mussolini at the station was very affectionate. Both men were moved..

Things that go on at Happy Times are very funny this year, and if you were watching last year, some of the people you saw then as basically extras em….