It's silly talking about how many years we will have to spend in the jungles of Vietnam when we could pave the whole country and put parking stripes ….

There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches..

It's not a beard, it's an animal I've trained to sit very still..

1st Valentine's Day: 200,000 BC men and women congregate on opposite sides of Pangaea, waiting for someone to make the first move..

I mean if you two were to make love, that would be gay. Two men touching each other physically and emotionally...erotically caressing each other...on….

I have a dream, and a plan, to combine the commercial possibilities of Valentine's Day with the substance and meaning of black history month. I call ….

When humor can be made to alternate with melancholy, one has a success, but when the same things are funny and melancholic at the same time, it's jus….

After Jackie Robinson the most important black in baseball history is Reggie Jackson, I really mean that..

I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there..

Most people are dead. Hitler. Ray Charles. Some other guys. But mostly those two..

In the past 10,000 years, humans have devised roughly 100,000 religions based on roughly 2,500 gods. So the only difference between myself and the be….

It's much easier for me to make major life, multi-million dollar decisions, than it is to decide on a carpet for my front porch. That's the truth..

Even when you are not playing you are holding me back..

Homework is not an option. My bed is sending out serious nap rays. I can't help myself. The fluffy pillows and warm comforter are more powerful than ….

When you are down and out something always turns up - and it is usually the noses of your friends..

Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose..

A billion here, a billion there, and pretty soon you're talking about real money..

Ones real life is often the life that one does not lead..

I stand by all the misstatements that I've made.

Today you are you! That is truer than true! There is no one alive who is you-er than you!.

It's impossible to ravish me, I'm so willing..